Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to give and get from people, sadly, I learned that lesson first hand. No one tells you that forgiveness and trust are best friends that protect one another. While you think you’re only dealing with forgiveness, here come trust with her side of the story. Yes you can forgive someone without trust but the true question is can you trust someone and not forgiven them? My answer to this question would be no.
I am able to forgive a person that I don’t trust because it means that I have made a cautious decision to release that person from my life. But what happens when you have trusted a person for 5 years and they’ve broken that trust?. You forgive them for their actions but you still don’t trust them.
That was the interesting conversation I had with my therapist Allison, who just happens to be my best friend. Three months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years, her name was Kayla. For the past 3 months Allison has been kind of forcing me into these therapy sessions with her. At first I found them annoying but now I see the benefits. Kayla and I met when I first moved to LA. We met at this networking event I attended. She had just moved to LA for a job with a development company, so we were both looking to meet new people. At the beginning our relationship was very platonic. We were just friends for a year and then one night while we were having a reality show binge watching night, we kissed.
That kiss fueled all the feelings that we had deep inside for one another. From that moment on we were inseparable. Our whole lives were centered around one another. I trusted Kayla with my life and she trusted me with hers. Trust is tricky though because everyone’s trust expectations and limitations are different.
When I mean I trusted Kayla with my life, I meant I trusted her with my whole life. There wasn’t a part of my life that I didn’t trust her with. My mother used to say “ Sammie don’t trust a person more than you trust God”. My mom always had a saying for every situation, but she was right, trusting any human more than God is a setup for failure because humans make mistakes. I poured my whole life into Kayla and our relationship. She was the only person I envisioned growing old with.
One day the vision suddenly changed. We had just closed on this beautiful home that Kayla wanted. I thought the house was a little too big for just the two of us, but it’s what Kayla wanted so I went with it. She was so happy which in turn made me happy. After we got settled in the house she came to me one night and said “ Babe, I’m ready to have a baby”. I really didn’t know what to say, so I just said okay. No hesitation or questioning at all because I loved her and making her the mother of my child would be an honor. Within a month after our conversation she was pregnant. It was such an exciting time for our family. If we both weren’t at work, we were at the house getting the nursery together and thinking of baby names. Everything seemed perfect.
I had planned a couples massage for Kayla and I for a night date. That morning she woke up with extreme abdominal pain, it happened for a few hours. She kept saying that it was trapped gas and that I shouldn’t worry about it. About an hour before we were supposed to leave for the spa, Kayla yelled for me from the bathroom. I rushed upstairs and she was on the toilet and there was blood on the tissue. We quickly got dressed and I rushed her to the hospital. When we arrived they rushed her to the back to run some tests. I waited in the lobby for 45 minutes, then the doctor came out to speak with me. He said “I am sorry but Kayla miscarried the baby”. Shocked by the words coming out of his mouth, I didn't even hear the rest of what he was saying. The only person I was concerned about was Kayla. I quickly cut the doctor off and said “I need to go see my girlfriend” . He said, “of course, I can take you back to her room now”.
When we arrived at her room, Kayla was laying on her side just staring at the wall. When I walked into the room she looked over at me and instantly started crying. I rushed to the side of the bed and hugged her as tears fell from her eyes. My only concern was making sure that she was okay. The day before Kayla was supposed to arrive home, I removed all of the baby stuff we had in the house and placed it in the garage. I figured it would help her process losing the baby better. When she arrived home the next day and noticed all the baby stuff gone she lost it. She said “how could you just get rid of our baby stuff like that?” She questioned if I even wanted our baby. She wouldn’t speak to me for a whole week. Kayla dealt with depression for months, all she did was lay around the house. Concerned about her behavior, I called in my best friend Allison to speak with her. Kayla met with Allison three times a week for about 5 months.
A year had passed and Kayla and I were back where we were before the miscarriage. She was ready to give us having a baby a try again. This time around we decided to go get checked out to see if everything was okay. So we both scheduled an appointment to get fertility tests. A couple days had passed and Kayla’s test results came back, everything was good. We were so excited. The following day my doctor’s office called to schedule an appointment with me to speak about my results. The call made me a little nervous but I figured it was nothing serious.
The next day we went to my appointment. We walked into my doctor's office and sat nervously in the two chairs across from her. She explained that the reason she called me in was because she found something while they were running their tests. She goes on to tell us that while running their tests, they noticed that my sperm was abnormally shaped and that I had an extremely low sperm count. As I sat there trying to digest all the information the doctor was telling us, Kayla asked the doctor “can an abnormally shaped sperm cause a miscarriage?”. The doctor responded in some cases yes. Tears quickly filled Kayla's eyes and she excused herself from the room.
The ride back home was quiet. When we got in the house, Kayla went straight up to the nursery closed the door, and cried. I sat in the living in silence all night. I was in pain but not for me, mostly for her. Weeks passed and Kayla barely said two words to me. Then one day she came to me and said we can do IVF. She went on to explain the procedure and what we had to do. After listening to her lengthy presentation I agreed. We started the process the following week.
A couple of days before the egg retrieval, I planned a romantic date night at the house. I wanted to celebrate us beginning our family. I waited for hours and she never showed up. I called everyone to see if they had seen her but the answer led to a no. At 1 am I received a text, “sorry babe my phone died, staying at Lisa’s tonight see you tomorrow”. I was relieved that I had received the message but also sensed that something was wrong. Kayla never texted me unless she knew I was in a meeting at work and she never explained why she was at Lisa’s house.
The following morning I woke up and she was still not home. I went down to the kitchen to grab something to drink and I noticed an envelope with my name on it on the refrigerator. I open the envelope and it was a letter from Kayla. She starts by saying how much she loves me, then she goes on to explain that she can't continue pretending like getting IVF is something she wants to do. She did it to please me. She went on to explain that she doesn't want to resent me for something that was out of my control. I that she wanted to have children naturally and didn’t think she could live with herself if she didn't. She ends the letter by saying I will always love you Sammie. I hope you will be able to forgive me.
I was in so much pain that day. I couldn’t forgive her because she threw our love away. She gave up on us all because of one little setback in life. For a while, I hated her for being so selfish but as time went on and I continued my sessions with Allison, she helped me realize that Kayla wasn’t selfish. She was honest and yes her honesty hurt me but it was still her truth. She might not have handled the situation well but she did free me. Unlike Kayla, I wasn't speaking my truth. I was scared of not being able to give her a child. I was also upset that she was considering injecting another man's sperm inside her to conceive our child. Instead of voicing that, I held my tongue and rolled with the punches. Kayla’s truth letter helped me face my infertility issues. Unfortunately I still I haven't quite figured out my life with this newfound information.
Have I forgiven Kayla? That is a work in progress but I do thank her for helping me discover my truth.